Honestly About the Mole
The Dark Side of Christmas Cookies
Radley: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of Honestly About the Mole, with Peter Radley. Tonight, we have a truly special guest: Santa Claus himself. Thank you for joining us — I hear you don’t do many media appearances.
Santa: Good evening. Thank you for having me. I actually don’t mind media appearances at all — I just choose them very carefully.
Radley: What’s a hard no for you?
Santa: Lifestyle interviews. Never.
Radley: Why not? Healthy living is important. I imagine people would take your advice seriously.
Santa: Maybe they would, son. But very few would believe that I start my mornings with avocado and freshly squeezed orange juice.
Radley: That sounds like you might have an issue with your physique.
Santa: It sounds like that because I do have one. Let’s not sugarcoat it: I’m fat. I even went to see a dietitian once.
Radley: Did they give you any advice?
Santa: Of course. They told me to cut down on cookies and milk. Completely unacceptable.
Radley: Because you’re required to eat them?
Santa: No. Because they’re delicious. So I’ve decided to stay fat.
Radley: That’s surprising. I always thought your build was part of the job.
Santa: Not at all. My job description would easily allow for a six-pack you could grate cheese on. Sadly, that’s not the direction things are heading.
Radley: The kids might be surprised by a shredded Santa…
Santa: Kids don’t care. They wouldn’t mind if I showed up clean-shaven, in jeans, handing out presents from a briefcase instead of a sack.
Radley: I sense a bit of bitterness there.
— Not at all. Just a fact. Let me tell you a story. This goes back to when I was still a Santa intern — full of the rebellious fire of a young hundred-and-fifty-year-old. Back then, I thought the big white beard was outdated. Boring. So for my first gift delivery — a kindergarten visit — I showed up without it.
Radley: How did the children react?
Santa: Most of them didn’t say a word. They were intimidated enough. No explanations needed. But you know how it is — every group has one kid who fears absolutely nothing. I got that one. He walked up to me and said, “You’re not the real Santa. You don’t have a big white beard.”
Radley: Tough spot.
Santa: For a moment, I had no idea what to say. Then I asked him, “Does it really matter whether Santa has a beard or not?”
Radley: And?
Santa: He said, “No, it doesn’t. Not because of the beard. But because if I get a present from you, it means I was a good kid.”
Radley: Not bad for a kindergartener.
Santa: That’s exactly why this job is worth doing.
Radley: Speaking of which — was there ever a moment you wanted to quit?
Santa: …Yes. Once. I don’t like talking about it.
Radley: You don’t have to. This isn’t a courtroom.
Santa: You know what? I’ll tell you anyway. You seem genuinely interested. I once got stuck in a chimney. It was horrible. It took Rudolf a full five minutes to pull me out. After that, I just sat on the steps of the house thinking, “This is it. I’m done.”
Radley: I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done.
Santa: Neither did I. I sometimes attend a support group for my mental health. That’s where I ended up. The group didn’t help much, but at least they didn’t laugh. But I ran into the Easter Bunny there — he had developed tendinitis from decorating eggs and was considering a career change. He suggested we switch roles: he’d take over Christmas, I’d handle Easter. But at my age, it’s not that easy to trade a red hat for bunny ears… In the end, we agreed he’d come up to the North Pole for a week and try it out.
Radley: And yet, here you are…
Santa: Not because I wasn’t open to it. I let him rearrange everything — eggs with snowflakes and elves all over the house. But he couldn’t focus. When I tried to show him how to drive the sleigh, he was hopping around in the snow, doing flips, then collapsed in front of the fireplace, his coat soaking wet. And frankly… the white beard didn’t suit him.
Radley: Was that the breaking point?
Santa: Not quite. Though Rudolf laughed so hard when he saw the bunny with a beard that he spent the entire afternoon on his back in the snow. But the mood changed when, that night, the bunny sneaked into the stable and ate his carrots.
Radley: And the final straw?
Santa: When he suggested we decorate cabbages instead of Christmas trees. That’s when I called him into my office.
Radley: And fired him?
Santa: Didn’t have to. I started with, “Listen, Bunny…” — and he cut me off: “I know. This is not working.” Then he went home.
Radley: Upset?
Santa: Not at all. A few days later, I got an email from him. He said the change of scenery helped him rediscover his calling. Personally, I think he just got cold at the North Pole.
Radley: So it wasn’t the solution after all…
Santa: In a way, it was. In one week, I realized something: at Christmas, children are waiting for me — not a bearded rabbit with a basket of cabbages. So I found my way back to my own calling as well.
Radley: Any lesson to take from this?
Santa: Oh, there is. I suppose I should say I’ve been eating fewer cookies since then… but that wouldn’t be true.
Instead, I hired another reindeer — so Rudolf won’t have to pull me out of chimneys alone next time.
Radley: Dear Santa, that’s all the time we have tonight. Thank you again for joining us and for your honesty. And thank you to our viewers for watching. Join us again next time. Good night.